Letting go
by whitegirloutcast
Summary: JESSE'S POV. Jesse love Suze, and its hard letting go. Will the new visit from somebody else make it any easier?
1. Chapter 1

#Hey people. This is kinda like my other storie. but i'm changing a lot. just keeping the same chracters. . lol. Its Jesse's POV(point of view) not his point of view from what happen in the other storie. forget the other storie I had even happened. Hope ya guys like it. Please review with your honest opinion. I will warn you now, there is some kissing, so if you don't want to read about that, don't continue. lol. anywayz hope ya like it ;)

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Jesse's POV

"Jesse, I love you," Querida said to me as she started kissing my neck. As much as I really did love it, and believe me I would want nothing more than it, she had to stop. We had to stop. Any human being that is even close to being alive could walk by and see Querida kissing the air in front of her at the graveyard. I wouldn't want to bring the laughing and pointing of a young child's fingers to her. Or any person in that matter. That would be quite embarrassing.

"Susannah," I said to Querida as she was still kissing me. I always had to remember to call her by her proper name Susannah, but I sure knew that I might of let Querida, the Spanish word for dearest, slip out a couple of times while saying her name. I'm sure she doesn't know the meaning of the word though. She doesn't know a word of Spanish that I know of. I wanted to say let's stop before one of us gets hurt, but I couldn't find myself to. The woman I loved ever since our last kiss just confessed her love to me, and all this time I thought she was in love with Slater. Paul Slater, the man I hated most in this whole entire universe. The man that tried to kill Querida, and sleep with her too. I wasn't to sure on the sleeping part. They might have done it. She might have willingly done it. I didn't know. All I knew is that I wanted him dead. More than dead, I wanted him gone forever. I never wanted to see his face again, because if I even come close to him, I swore I would kill him this time. Not only put him in the hospital like I did a few days ago, but also have him gone forever. So Querida would never have to worry about him again. So I wouldn't have to worry about him again. I still don't know how she felt about him though, she might not even be close to worrying about him. She might love him for all I knew. It didn't seem like that now, but I couldn't help but feel horrible about my actions the other night, because there was still the fact that it could of hurt Querida. I wouldn't ever want to hurt her by my actions to others. I was happy to no end he was injured though, for myself at least. I just wish I knew how she felt about Slater, if she only loved me, and not him also. I could ask her later though, if there is a later. Now I must tell her how I feel, as I know she has been waiting to hear this for ages, well that would be the matter if she didn't like Paul. "I love you." I told her. Then she looked up to me, and into my eyes. Her beautiful emerald eyes staring into mine. How dare Slater even come close as to touching her. I really wanted to say goodbye to her then, as it would be to hard to later, but I still couldn't find myself to. "Lets...lets go to your place." I said, while having no clue what to expect. Was it right to ask a young woman to her house? I don't know how those words came spilling out of my mouth, but they just did. And then I ran my hands through her silky chestnut brown hair. My hands were still shaking like they were before. I was scared to death. Even though I knew I loved her, and she loved me in return, I still had this great feel of the fact I might be rejected. There was still the fear of finding out her true feelings with Slater. She spent time with him, and who spends time with people they don't like? Even though at the moment, it felt like she didn't even know he existed. Instead of answering, she grabbed my hand, and hers were shaking too, just as much as mine were. It made me feel warm inside, that she was nervous too. That she was shaking, just like me. Then I saw her eyes slowly close shut, and I did the same as her. We were standing together, holding each others hands, waiting for something to happen. I wasn't sure what she was trying to do, but I was trusting her on this. I knew she knew a lot more than she gave herself credit for.

"Jesse..." I herd her voice say quietly to me, and I opened my eyes and noticed I was in her room, standing beside her bed, with her in front of me. We were close, very close, and I was feeling nervous. I wanted to hold her in my arms, and be with her forever, but I was doubting myself. I was dead, and she was alive. Why hurt myself even more than I already am from this? Then she put her arms around my neck, and started kissing me. I felt shivers going up and down my spine, and it felt great. My heart was beating faster than lighting. Querida was kissing me, and I knew we should have stopped. I didn't want to stop, I wanted to keep kissing her, but I was scared of having to leave her later. It was tearing me up inside.

"Querida..." I said to her while getting a breath. I don't think I was giving her the signal that we shouldn't be kissing anymore. It wasn't even right for someone as myself to even kiss a woman I didn't even have hand in marriage to, and now, I'm a 20 year old man who has already passed away kissing a young lady who is 16 and alive.

"Jesse" she sighed, and then I felt like I was burning in my pants. To hear her say my name like that. I wanted to keep on kissing Querida, it felt great, but I still had that fear of her feelings about Slater, and the fact I would have to leave her, still sitting in my mind. I was about to say that's enough for tonight, but she open mouthed kissed me. I think the kids called it making out from what I've seen in those magazines she reads. We were making out with each other. It was new to me, but I seemed to know exactly what I was doing, I couldn't really control myself. It was like when I was fighting with Slater, once I hit him one time, I couldn't stop, once I kissed Querida once, I couldn't stop kissing her. It was passionate, this kissing couldn't have been better. I was with the woman I loved, kissing her. Then I felt her hands going down my waist, and then I felt her beginning to pull my shirt up. I knew I really had to do something then, like "Querida, I love you, but how far could this really go?" but I still couldn't find myself to. Just continued kissing her and then she pulled her face back and I lifted my arms up to have my shirt completely taken off. I had chills all over my body. Chills I've never had before with somebody. It was the first time I have ever had my shirt taken off since I was alive, and Querida was the one to take it off. She stared at my chest, it was quiet. All I could hear was our breathing, it was perfect, better than the other time to stop. To stop this guilt I had, but instead of telling her that it can't go any further, I pulled her head close to mine and continued kissing her. She kissed me back and then moved apart from me and sat of her bed. I looked at her, sitting on her bed waiting for me and the chills came back. I still couldn't control myself. I was horrible. Simply horrible, I was no better than Slater at the moment. I went on her bed and kissed her back, I even leaned on top of her. So I was a man that had already passed away, with no shirt on, making out with a young lady that was alive on her bed. Could I do any worse? Yes I loved her, but I must stop. I must I must I must. My brain had been telling me this the whole time and yet I haven't listened, but somehow, just somehow, I need to gain control again. I just had to. There was nothing stopping me though, like there was when it came to killing Slater. There was nothing stopping myself at all here. But I did find self control. I hated having no control.

"Susannah, I love you, but how far could this really go?" I found my self saying while looking into her eyes. She then took a deep breath. I could tell she was taking it the wrong way. Like I didn't want to be with her. But I did want to be with Querida. I loved her, I just didn't want to get any one of us more hurt because there was no possible way to be together. So I leaned back up, and so did she and we were sitting next to each other on her bed. With nothing to say to each other. I felt horrible. "I'm sorry." I said to her, to break the silence, and it was true, I was sorry. Sorry for everything.

"No no, we shouldn't of even gotten that far in the first place." She said while taking a rubber band off her wrist and putting her hair up.

"No, its not just that Susannah, I'm sorry for everything. About me being dead, about Paul in the hospital-"

"Paul in the hospital!?!" She interrupted me with a harsh tone.

"Do you love me, I mean really love me, and not Slater?" I asked, praying that she would say no, so I could hold her in my arms again.

"Of course I don't love Paul," she said to me looking concerned, "what ever gave you that idea?" she asked me, even though I could come up with a whole list of things that could possibly mean that Querida likes Slater. There were so many I couldn't even begin to think about it. There was the time he came in her room when I was about to confess my love to her. He came in with her hair clip and said she left it on his bed. I felt like was being slapped in the face. She went on his bed, IN HIS HOUSE! Maybe that's why I think you like him Querida, did you ever come to think of that? And the fact that Slater said "does she sigh when you kiss her too?" That meant they kissed, they kissed even before we had kiss like that. I had every right to think she might like him.

"Well the house Querida. You went to his house." I told her, while looking into her eyes. I always knew doing that could make her answer me truthfully. Even though now that I come to think of it, maybe I don't want to know the truth about Querida. It hurts to have to leave the love of my life knowing that she likes Slater. I'm not like him, I actually have feelings.

"It was nothing Jesse," she said while putting her hands on mine, and then scooting closer to me, "it was nothing at all. The kiss-don't get mad that we kissed, but the kiss, it meant nothing. I don't love him, I hate him...well I hate him just as much as you hate him." She told me. So it was true, she had to of liked him, at one time she did, because they kissed. To hear that coming from her mouth, felt like a million knifes were being stabbed into my heart. I never felt so hurt. I wasn't mad, I just felt like giving her one last kiss and to leave forever. It would be easier this way, we both knew it. But to hear that she hated him, and as much as I hated him, was a shock to myself.

"Then why didn't you just let me kill him?" I said to confusingly, if she didn't care about him, why couldn't I just kill the bastard. Have him gone forever, and have her not having to worry or see him again. I would want nothing more than that right now. To have him gone, and gone for good.

"Because, I don't want a murder on my hands Jesse. Believe it or not, there is some good in him." she said while putting her hand on my cheek and then a tear ran down her face. She was crying. "I don't love him, but I don't want him dead." She said and then moved her hand away and then layed her head on my chest and started crying even more. I wrapped my arms around her for support, but I knew I should have followed my instincts from before, and left earlier. I felt like crying too. Lately I have done nothing but love Querida, but it was getting harder and harder for us, and I knew I had to leave. Leave and be gone forever. I was about to say "Goodbye Querida," but I saw something appear in her room. It wasn't something, it was a someone, a ghost! Querida didn't know the ghost was there because she wasn't looking, but I sure did. The thing is, I think I even knew who this ghost was!


	2. Chapter 2

This ghost I saw had a familiar face, he had a deep red aura and his skin looked pale. I could tell he just passed away from it. I remember how pale I was when I first passed away, I was confused as a chicken without its head and I was running around in circles scared like one too. But this man did not seem confused or sad, or even angry. He seemed like nothing had happened at all to himself.

"P-paul!?!" Querida said while looking up, trying to keep her tears in, but didn't manage to and laid her head back on my chest so she wouldn't have to look at him. It was Slater, and he was dead. Not as dead as he could of been though. Instead of being full of rage, I realized, killing him wasn't solving my problems. Not at all. It just made it harder. He was a lost soul, like me, and he could be haunting Querida's room for just as long as I was. I suddenly started to panic, and I could tell he knew how I was feeling from my face expression. It was either that I looked very panicked or my face expression was blank.

"Made you a little worried there, huh Jesse?" He said while sitting by the window casually. He didn't seem to care that Querida was crying at all. That's another reason why I hated Slater so much, he couldn't care less about Querida. He just wanted her for sex, it was a game, and I would never let him touch her again. I still can't tell if its a horrid thing that Slater is dead, or if its a time to celebrate. It is a great thing that Slater can never treat a girl the way he treated Querida ever again, but now Querida is the only young woman he can touch, and have her touch him back, so now he may never get over her. I can't move on now, because the second I leave, Slater will be with her in her room alone , refusing to leave. I should go to hell, doing something like this to Querida. What kind of person am I? I should of never made him go to the hospital, I mean I'm supposing he died from the injuries I gave him. "Stopped breathing on the way to the hospital," Slater said with a laugh. He was actually laughing at this, like the devil. Who laughs when they stop breathing. Seriously. He must not be human, I think the devil thing may start being true. Even though I never did believe that there was such thing as the devil. Then Querida started saying something but I couldn't make out what she was saying from the crying and then she dissapeared from my arms. She wasn't there anymore! she must of done that shifting thing and left. I thought about doing the same thing, but how could I leave Slater in her room alone. "And then there were two." Slater said while looking at me.

"Slater!" I said with the rage I finally found. Now that Querida was gone, I didn't have anybody controlling myself, but somehow I found a way to pretend she was there sitting by my side, telling me to have control. Like I said before, once I hit him once, I can't stop, and there is no point to fighting a dead guy. See Slater wasn't smart enough to know it, and did it anyway, and then died. But then again maybe he knew, and just did it anyway.

"Jesse no need to be mad, were both dead." He said like it was no big deal, but it was.

"You will not touch her!" I said strictly to him, while trying to keep myself sitting.

"Like how you never touched her?" He said, while still keeping his cool. I didn't know how he did it, staying so calm in every situation he was in. He got me on that one though, if I was allowed to touch Querida the way I did, why couldn't Slater. I was horrible, I didn't deserve her.

"I love her," I said to him.

"I do too Jesse, I'm not as bad as you think I am," he said and then I suddenly remembered what Querida told me earlier. How he wasn't as bad as I thought, and I felt a great sadness inside. "Were just two dead guys in love with the same woman that happens to be alive." He said still like it was nothing. But he loved her!?! I think Slater was going a little to far when he said he loved her. He couldn't possible care as deeply about her the way I did.

"No you don't love her. You couldn't care less about her." I said, because I knew it was the truth, and he was going to have to find out about it sooner or later, even though I'm sure he knew already..

"Get it into your head Jesse, she likes me too you know." He said to me. I knew it wasn't true, it couldn't be. Querida can't like Slater, I loved her. Loved her more than anything, and I'm sure if she was still in my arms right now, she would deny it, but she wasn't, and I wanted to know the truth, so I decide to open up to Slater, and ask him what I was truly was thinking.

"Why would you think that?" I asked clamly.

"You can see it in those beautiful eyes she has. The way she looks at me, you can even see her shaking."

"That's because she's scared to death of you!" I yelled.

"You sure about that Jesse. I mean I see you shake every time when your around her, and you love her." He said calmly. He had a point again, but still, you can still shake when your in love, and when your scared.

"She can shake from both," I said as calmly as him. I had to stay calm, I just had to. "She would never love you."

"You may not know it, she may not know it, but she likes me, she just won't admit it to herself." He said, and then there was a pause. I was thinking. I mean how could a human being possible like somebody and not know it. Was it possible?


	3. Chapter 3

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"Slater, were both dead, she can't pick either of us." I said frustratingly. Because it was true. Slater and I were both dead, and neither of us could be with Querida.

"That wasn't stopping you a couple of minutes ago." Slater said and then I realized he might have been there the whole time. Watching, I didn't even think about checking the room before I kissed her. I was horrid for kissing her. I should have never done it. "Okay Jesse so you kissed a chick you weren't married with, no problem, I mean who wouldn't want to kiss Suze." He said to me. I couldn't believe what Slater was saying about Querida. It was as if she were merely just an object to him.

"Excuse me?" I said with anger. Even thought I knew exactly what he meant.

"Your first real kiss with her, wasn't it? I don't know why you just didn't go the whole way. She would of let you." He said with laugh at the end, and then I found myself punching him. I know I couldn't fight him again, but I love Querida, more than anything in the world, and I will do anything to take Slater out of this world. Its people like Slater that use girls such as Querida for things. Things I couldn't even begin to possibly imagine. The men these days had no respect for women.

"You will never EVER touch Querida again! You hear me Slater!" I yelled to him as I was placing my hands around his throat. Just because we were both dead, did not mean we couldn't feel physical pain. Slater just laughed though, he laughed as if this were all some kind of joke. That Querida was a joke, and she wasn't. Querida wasn't a joke at all.

"I'm not the one touching her, you are." He said and then I held his throat tighter and he kicked me off of him, and I flew across the room hitting the side of Querida's bed. What was horrible was that we was right. "So sweet," He said while fixing his shirt, "you call her Querida." I knew he was making fun of me for calling her Querida, but I didn't care. I just wish I would stop letting that word slip out of my mouth. It wasn't her proper name.

"I don't care." I said while bringing myself up. I wasn't quite sure what would happen next though, and out of nowhere Querida appeared on the floor between us and was completely drenched with water. The curls were coming back from when she got her hair straightened, her makeup was running down her face and there was a cut of her left cheek with blood running down. Querida was hurt, and hurt badly. I could tell my skin was turning pale white as I was speechless staring at her on the floor.

"Suze!" Slater said while reaching down to the ground and holding her head up. "Well don't just stand there De Silva! Go get something to help her!" He yelled out to me. I did what I was told because I couldn't see her that way. She was lying there as if she were dead on the ground with her eyes closed. What could of happened to my Querida in such a short matter of time? I didn't know how to get help for her though, how do ghosts such as myself get help for a young lady that is alive. Like I said before, she needs somebody who is alive. Slater is the one who should get help, and I should be the one comforting Querida. Even if we are both dead. Then again, I couldn't look at her that way. I don't know what I would do if she died, and because of me, because she had to escape all the stress she had from me. I searched in the restroom of Querida's parents and found a first aid kit, and rushed back to her room. Immediately I ran to her and opened the kit and took out a bandage. I noticed that my hand was shaking uncontrollably with the bandage in it, so Slater grabbed it and quickly placed it on Querida's cheek. I could tell he was annoyed from me shaking, but didn't say anything about it. Since when did Slater care if Querida was okay? It was terrifying, and odd at the same time. Another thing that was odd was that Slater and I weren't focusing on each other, just trying to get Querida up. It was strange to see him help her. I then placed my head on her chest, scared to death knowing that there might be a chance of no heartbeat, and there was one. Thank the lord. "She breathing?" Slater asked while still concentrating on her.

"Yeah.." I said while lifting my head off her. "What happened?" I said as a tear ran down my face. Maybe I should just give up, give up on Querida and give up on everything I've ever done, and just leave. Its hopeless, no matter what I do, I can't give Querida what she wants. I can't even provide her with help when she's injured. Slater couldn't even do that anymore. I know now would be a good time to be selfish, to let her die and then have her be with me, but I couldn't let her do that. She must live a life, a life I never had. A life where she can fall in love with somebody alive. A life with somebody to grow old with, and to have children with. She had to have a life, a life without me. Then I turned around and started crying. I didn't want to show a weak side in front of Slater because it would show that he was strong and could help her, but I couldn't. I couldn't look at her, I felt like killing myself, which I already was, but if I were alive, I certainly would have just done it. I looked at my hands and they were still shaking from all the fright. How could this happen to Querida? How could I let it happen to her?

"Help me..." I herd Querida's voice say. I quickly turned around after and came to Querida.

"Querida Querida..." I said calmly so it wouldn't worry her, while brushing my finger on her hand and looking into her eyes.

"Get her up." Slater said as if he was some sort of hero. He had been acting like he was a hero the whole time. I wanted to punch him again. But who cares, all that matters is that Querida is alive. So I picked her body up and laid it on her bed. "I'll get her some dry clothes." He told me while going to her closet. It was good, it gave me a little time with her. I sat on the bed beside her and held her hand and started brushing it again.

"Querida, no matter what happens I love you." I told her, because it was the truth, I do love her, and always will love her. I wanted to know what happened so badly, but she still look severely hurt so I thought it was best to not ask at the moment.

"Jesse," She said while coffing, "I love you too" and then she smiled. I wanted to lean over and kiss her, but I couldn't. I didn't have her hand in marriage, and I wasn't going to make the same mistake as before.

"Here Suze, I brought some pajamas for you. Do you need help?" Slater said to her, as if he actually did care about her.

"No..." She said to him while having her smile go away. "I need to be with Jesse alone Paul, please...please go." She said. Yeah please do go Slater. Nobody likes you or wants you around. Once he was gone, which I was surprised he did, I gave Querida a nervous laugh while smiling, and looking into her eyes.

"Kiss me." Querida said with a coff at the end.

"But-"

"Kiss me." She demanded while interrupting me. I was going to say we shouldn't, but she really wanted me to kiss her, and I really wanted to kiss her too, to make her feel better. Maybe one kiss wouldn't hurt. So I leaned down and kissed her. The half part of my body was on her and the other half was on the bed. So there I was, making out with her again. I could of at least asked her what had happened, you know why she was wet, or cut, but I couldn't find myself getting off of her. So we made out, and then she slowly pushed the top of my body off. I knew I had to leave. This situation, with the kissing had to stop. "Now was that so hard Jesse?" she said to me with an angry look on her face. Why was she angry? Did I not kiss her right the first time? Did I do anything to make her mad? I just stared at her waiting for her to tell me, because she knew I wanted to know. "I love you Jesse, I really do, but if you can't even kiss me unless I make you, how will I ever know you love me." She told me with a couple of coffs during it. What she was saying was mad. I don't kiss her the way Paul tries to kiss her because I love her. If I didn't love her the way I did, I wouldn't try to be so careful.

"That's not it at all, I just don't want either of us to get hurt..."

"I already am hurt," she said and then placed her arm around my neck and began kissing me again. But see here was the thing, I couldn't give her what she wanted. She need somebody alive that loved her, and could make love with her. Not a dead person like myself. So I pushed myself away quickly and then sat up all the way straight.


End file.
